Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Give me your best one-liner about Panther record

UPDATE: Because of other sports news and the great outpouring of entries, we are going to publish the column based on this post and the reader responses in our biggest newspaper -- Sunday's -- and will put it online then too. Thanks for so many fine responses -- you guys are a lot funnier than I am and have made my first "crowdsourced" column a lot of fun to do... Scott. It is still fine to submit entries for your own amusement and those of others, but the contest deadline has passed to be under consideration for publication.

I wish I could dash off one-liners. I admire comedians or writers who only need a single line to make someone laugh. I can't do it well at all.

So I'm asking for your help. For an upcoming column I'm tentatively titling "The Curse of 7-9," I'm exploring the Panthers' history with that very common record.

The Panthers have now finished with a 7-9 record seven times in their short history, a record more than twice as common for Carolina as any other outcome. All four Panther head coaches went 7-9 at least once, and of course it was Carolina's record in 2012.

What does that have to do with you? I'm looking for your best one-liner, since I'm sure it will be better than mine. Winners' entries will be published in my upcoming column -- either anonymously or with their names attached, their choice -- and will also receive a Panther-themed book. All you have to do is finish this sentence (and please make this your original work, I don't want any plagiarized one-liners from Jerry Seinfeld):

Every time the Panthers go 7-9, it feels like ________________________________.



Major points will be given for originality and humor. Don't make this a treatise, please. I am looking for you to finish that one sentence with however many words you want. That's all.

Send your one-liners (please limit yourself to no more than two tries per person) either as a comment on this blog below or in an email to sfowler@charlotteobserver.com. You can comment anonymously and still enter. I will notify winners through another blog entry and via email and with my Twitter account (@Scott_Fowler). Deadline is 4 p.m. on Wednesday, Jan.9th.

131 comments:

Panther Dan said...

..we're just one win away from mediocrity.

Anonymous said...

...it feels like my Kerry Collins jersey fits a little tighter.

Anonymous said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like my football soul is dyin'.

Anonymous said...

... like rain when they were predicting snow.

Rodney G said...

...Bill Murray waking up to Sonny & Cher.

Bobcat said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like the Panthers are who we thought they were.

Scott Fowler said...

Here are some good ones from Twitter, where I also posted this: "The terrorists are winning".... "It is what it is...." "the world is in order..." "Insanity -- because we keep repeating the same thing expecting a different result..." "Deja vu all over again..." and "Riding through the mist of Babylon to a morning of glory!"


Anonymous said...

7 9

not bad... if you are a basketball player.

Anonymous said...

...it feels like a ticket price increase is coming.

Anonymous said...

...Jerry Richardson feels like holding on to the reigns for just one more year.

Anonymous said...

Apple Maps gives better results.

gene said...

it feels like seven wins and nine losses...duh!

Harold said...

...giving up a 59 yard pass play from your own end zone late in the 4th quarter!

Anonymous said...

its time to take out a full page ad, CHAMPIONSHIP!

Anonymous said...

...another season of bad football, and a parking lot scene riveling the fall of Rome.

David Harris said...

not smelling napalm in the morning.

@adamfeigl said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like a family reunion of hope and despair.

Wp28 said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like Meatpile got his prediction right again... (granted only a few of you will get that)

Anonymous said...

it feels like nothing......

telamon said...

...Charlie Brown landing on his back again.

Anonymous said...

it feels like I'm sipping sweat out of one of David Carr's white gloves.

Anonymous said...

it feels like I'm Jimmy Clausen.

sincerely,
Jimmy

Anonymous said...

the first time...like the very first time

Anonymous said...

...A normal season of Panthers footall. I can still hear that incompetent moron marty hurney bragging about how the panthers have had only 1 double digit loss season over the last 10 years. Thats when you know you have a franchise contempt with mediocrity when this is their proudest accomplishment over the last decade.

Anonymous said...

it feels like the color gray

Anonymous said...

it feels like Steve Smith just popped you in the jaw and you got a lame settlement.

Jason Turpin said...

JR's philosophy:

8-8 would be great, but 7-9 is just fine.

Anonymous said...

it feels irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

feels like Deangelo Williams acting career... Dreadful.

Anonymous said...

it feels like Charlotte sports.

Anonymous said...

it feels like a wet pair of pants sagging down around your ankles.

Anonymous said...

it feels like a fat girl at a health food store.

Anonymous said...

feels like Armanti. Just barely good enough to remain in existence.

Anonymous said...

it feels like Cam Newton just called me sweetheart.

Jay F said...

...you've yet again succumbed to the Chef's Special at Market Price and it still just tastes like chicken.

Anonymous said...

Playoffs!!!! Don't talk about Playoffs!!!! Are you kidding me Playoffs!!!! I just hope we can win a game. That is what 7-9 is.

Co4 said...

...winning 100% of the time 43% of the time.

Anonymous said...

...we have to help the sportswriters come up with something to fill their column.

Anonymous said...

Every time the Panthers go 7-9, it feels like will go to playoff again based on John Fox's era.


Randall said...

......."we're on that upward trend to next year's 8-8."

Anonymous said...

...like the first time... and the second, third, fourth, fifth...


...like someone is owed a beating with the "Keep Pounding" hammer.

Rob Armstrong said...

Every time the Panthers go 7-9, it feels like Groundhog Day.

Anonymous said...

Rae Carruth getting released from prison.

Anonymous said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, the glass is still half empty!

Nomanizan said...

Every time the Panthers go 7-9, it feels like George H W Bush saying, "Read my lips..."

Candy L. said...

Okay, class. Seven times seven equals what? "MEDIOCRE!"

Frazier Wallace said...

...I look forward to another "rebuilding year."

James B said...

...Landing an awesome job....that provides no benefits and pays terrbily.

James B said...

Eating warm potato salad.

Anonymous said...

it feels like the Charlotte Observer is trying to charge me for an online subscription.

James B said...

Watching an insect continually fly into a closed glass door.

Clay said...

At least kiss me first next time before you "it is what it is" me like that again.

Unknown said...

It doesn't fit the structure but you could go with: "We don't always miss the playoffs, but when we do, it's usually by 7 and 9."

Fraser said...

So you're saying there's a chance...

Anonymous said...

I should drink more liquor before, during and after every game.

Anonymous said...

...I just kissed my sister.

Anonymous said...

you and Tom Sorenson need to take over the coaching responsibilities - that would take care of everything.

Anonymous said...

I'm a slow learner.

Anonymous said...

I need to find a new hobby.

Anonymous said...

...The Groundhog Day where you took your cousin to the prom again and again and again...

Anonymous said...

I should have choked John Fox while I had the chance.

Jon in DC said...

Seven and nine...Thud!

Anonymous said...

...my hemroids subleased another room in my colon to its inlaws!

telamon said...

...the first time you realized the Coyote was never going to catch the Roadrunner.

Jon in DC said...

Seven and nine...Thud!

Anonymous said...

watching Jake Delhomme walking to the sidelines with his arms flailing in the air after yet another interception.

Anonymous said...

watching John Fox standing on the sidelines during a loss, arms crossed, chomping on his gum, staring at the sky.

Jay F said...

...you were promised a trip to Athens and Rome and ended up in North Georgia.

Anonymous said...

it feels like warm apple pie

Anonymous said...

John Fox's smug and condescending press conferences after another loss.

telamon said...

Okay, Jay F made me laugh.

Anonymous said...

a draw play up the middle on 3rd and long.

Anonymous said...

when we first realized Jake Delhomme would never get pulled from the game no matter how horrible he was playing.

Anonymous said...

Every time they finish 7&9 I realize i am almost out of time

Casey Offerman said...

... Panther players should take out an article that says we promise to go 7-9 this season. That way they are more than likely correct and fans have realistic expectations. #EveryonesHappy

Anonymous said...

I must enjoy being miserable.

Anonymous said...

my visit to the proctologist wasn't so bad after all.

Anonymous said...

Playoffs? Playoff? You're talking about PLAYOFFS? we'll be lucky to win another game!!!!

tpistolis said...

It feels like watching Jake Delhomme Quaterback us again during his 5 INT and 2 lost fumbles in the Arizona Cardnial Playoff again, and rewarding him with a huge Contract.....

Tommy Pistolis
tpistolis@gmail.com

Tom B said...

... well, the last time they went 7-9.

Anonymous said...

mediocrity and mediocrity sucks.

Get Er Done said...

... being assimilated by the Borg!

Anonymous said...

Going to Vegas and placing a bet on next year's record.

Thomas Long said...

...almost average

Anonymous said...

FIRE Strength and conditioning coaches! we have to many injuries!!!! 2 years in a row breaking records!!

Scott said...

Two wins from greatness and two losses from a good draft pick

Anonymous said...

Two wins from greatness and two losses from a good draft pick

Jeff "Pantherman"Pintea said...

the bubble burst,the rug gets pulled out from under me, my heart gets ripped out,I get kicked in the groin,my hair gets pulled,I cramp all over my body, I step in chewing gum on a 90 degree day,the dog ate my homework,I burnt the pork loin,we traded for Shaun Gilbert,signed Barry Foster, cut Steve Beurhlein, my wife say's "no!" to everything all at the same time but I continue to go to every Home Panther game through rain, snow, wind and blazing sun to cheer for our beloved Panthers

Anonymous said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9 I feel better because it could be 0-16.

Anonymous said...

7-9, because the 13-17th pick is where the stars are...

Rob From Charlotte said...

Everytime the Panthers go 7-9 I feel like... Stand and Cheer for the Panthers, Stand and Cheer for the team, the pride of both Carolinas, and the city of the Queen!

Anonymous said...

the ugly duckling that stayed ugly

Anonymous said...

A Panther's Half-Dozen.

Mark P said...

we should have been called the Carolina 79ers

Doc Bullfrog said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like I should become a Bobcats fan. Thank goodness I didn't go with my gut.

Mikey said...

Every time the Panthers go 7-9, it feels like that time Chewbacca tried to get his driver's license.

The Catman HOF 2004 said...

I drink some Good Wine, cause we'll get better with Time!.....The Catman

Jon in DC said...

7 & 9, you say losers, we say trending up!

Karolina Katfish said...

trying to get excited about prom night when you are home schooled

geoff dellinger said...

It feels like.. david carr getting sacked yet again..

Anonymous said...

...getting underwear for Christmas.

mwY said...

Hey, at least we aren't Cleveland.

mwY said...

... like the Phoenix Suns of the NFL.

Carl said...

Hey, at least they matched the Bobcats win total for the season!

Anonymous said...

Hey, look at me looking at you as I laugh at you, again.

Anonymous said...

Going 7-9 again.... I hate it SOOOOO much..the it..flame-flames~~FLAMES, on the side of my face...

or


Anything could be finer than going 7-9er at a Panthers football ye-ea-ear.

DP77

Tommy Roberson said...

"Hey, we are gonna finally get it together NEXT season!".

Tyler in Blacksburg said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like a Bojangles commercial without Jake Delhomme.. :(

Anonymous said...

Means we started awful, finished hot, and now have given me just enough hope to get dragged into believing next year we're definitely making the playoffs..

CostanzaTravels said...

Charlotte has become Chicago and the Panthers the Cubs...

Tres said...

decaf coffee at 2 am

Chris Honeycutt said...

7-9 is the sound of wasted money

Anonymous said...

...it feels like league overexpansion.

Anonymous said...

I need more Preparation H

Anonymous said...

the flag guys do when they finally make it the other corner of the field

Anonymous said...

7-9.....feels kinda benign

Wyliegator said...

........working hard to get into the AP class............and making a D+

Tim Allen said...

feels like...perpetual maintenance of a foundation with no house.

Anonymous said...

"I got a rock."

Anonymous said...

Like a kiss after the third date...

Michael Bacon said...

7-9... one time it was a precursor to the Super Bowl! Those were good times...

Anonymous said...

it feels like a winning season is a really hot chick (like Miss Alabama) and the Panthers are Napoleon Dynamite.

Boom!

Anonymous said...

if you close your eyes it all feels the same.

Anonymous said...

Every time the Panthers finish 7-9, it feels like-..wait...I've said this before...

Thomas Iorio said...

Groundhog Day

ScottytoHotty said...

Feels like; I love paying full ticket price for a pre-season game!

Anonymous said...

We only won 7 games because we didn't want to embarrass the Bobcats. You are welcome MJ.

Anonymous said...

= change!

Anonymous said...

Home.

kennyb said...

... it feels like next year might be our year... again.

Anonymous said...

.....Like the Atlanta Falcons in January.